The hardest part

Today has gone very differently than I had planned. I should be showering with antibacterial soap with no lotion right now. I should be washing my hair with shampoo for the first time in years. I should be hydrating and eating dessert so I can fast after midnight. I should be preparing for surgery tomorrow. 

Instead I got a call this morning that my surgeon had a family emergency and needed to cancel all surgeries for tomorrow. I had my shoes on, I was ready to hit Target for nurse treats and antibacterial soap, (who has antibac soap with no lotion, especially in the winter?). I was so disappointed. 

I set this appointment with Dr. Chen back in October, after my biopsy results were benign. I was still very unsure what I would ultimately do, but I made the appointment as a space holder since they were scheduling so far out. Dr. Chen made me feel very comfortable. He was knowledgeable and patient and didn’t pressure me at all. He explained everything and gave me all my options. 

He recommended a total thyroidectomy since I have large nodules on both sides and in the middle of my thyroid. (they’re everywhere 😩) The nodules, on top my thyroid being swollen after having Covid, compress my trachea and have made it difficult to breath. He explained that the biopsy tested 3 areas of 2 different nodules, but they were still quite large, and there could be cancer on a different area. If I chose not to have my thyroid removed, he recommends ultrasounds every 6 months to keep an eye on the size of the nodules, and very possibly more biopsies. He gave me my options and sent me to an endocrinologist. 

Dr. Alameer was wonderful too. She thought it was funny that I’d been to so many doctors about a thyroid issue, and had not come to a thyroid doctor yet. I thought it was weird too. 🤷‍♀️ She asked how I felt about surgery and I told her that I would love to avoid surgery but I also was still having trouble breathing. 

She told me about an experimental (in the US, not in Europe or Asia) treatment called radio frequency ablation. She didn’t know a ton about it, but knew there was only one dr at Johns Hopkins that performed them. She suggested I get a virtual appt first to see if I was even a candidate. 

I had that virtual appt, but even though I let them know I was interested in RFA, I did not get the one and only dr that performs RFA. I got a very nice dr that gave me very similar info to what Dr. Chen had told me. She also gave me the name of the dr that does RFA. I made an appt with him, and the earliest he had was January 11. 

So on Tuesday Matt dropped me off at Johns Hopkins. Dr. Russell was so great. He asked me all about my family, where I was from, told me he knew some Rays in AZ, but we determined I did not know them. Then he told me he grew up in AZ and UT. I just knew he was a member of the church, so I asked. He was like “yes! I was trying to get you to go there when you said you had 5 kids, but you went all the way around.” And then we were like besties and made plans to meet at the temple open house. He also told me that Michelle Ray is about the most Mormon name ever. Who knew? 

All of my doctors have been so wonderful. Really just an embarrassment of riches, each one is better than the last. Dr. Russel did an ultrasound and said my two 2cm nodules are like a nodule sandwich, like 1 large one ate the other. 🤷‍♀️ He also said the tiniest nodule is probably the one giving me the most breathing trouble because it’s right on my windpipe. He said he could probably treat them with RFA and I would probably have relief, but because it’s “experimental,” it’s not covered by insurance and it’s $5500. I had been leaning towards surgery for awhile, and the added cost made me lean even further. 

I have been praying, pondering, fasting, gotten blessings, and counseling with many people about what to do for months. I love this body I was blessed with. I haven’t always loved her and I haven’t always been very nice to her, but I’m learning. And I really want to take care of her and do what’s best. I want to make the right decision, I just keep waiting for Heavenly Father to tell me what that is. 

So Tuesday night I spent time praying, journaling, and reading the Book of Mormon. Even though I really liked Dr. Russell, I just feel like surgery is the better option for me. As much as I hate the idea of taking medicine forever. 

I haven’t had any huge and definite “this is the right thing!” feelings and I really want one. Just little nudges along the way. Maybe the answer is that either option would be ok. When Sam and Matt gave me a blessing we talked about how that’s often the answer. All along, since that horribly anxious first weekend I have felt peaceful. Like whatever happens is in the Lords hand and I trust Him and have faith in Him. And it will be ok. And I still feel that. I keep thinking of the young women song of my youth “I walk by Faith.” 

So even though this last minute cancellation was frustrating and left me wondering if maybe I’d gotten the answer wrong, I still feel peace and I still do walk by faith. 

I love this from Elder Bednar:

“Taking action is the exercise of faith. The children of Israel are carrying the ark of the covenant. They come to the River Jordan. The promise is they will cross over on dry land. When does the water part? When their feet are wet. They walk into the river—act. Power follows—the water parts.

We oftentimes believe, “I’m going to have this perfect understanding, and then I’m going to transform that into what I do.” I would suggest that we have enough to get started. We have a sense of the right direction. Faith is a principle—the principle—of action and of power. True faith is focused in and on the Lord Jesus Christ and always leads to action.”

I feel like my feet are wet. I actually feel like I’m in up to my knees, but I tend towards drama. I’ve done the work and am taking action. I was disappointed this morning. I really just wanted to crawl back into bed and wallow, but I trust in the Lord and hopefully i am learning what He’d have me to learn through this trial. 

I’ve had all the ideas today and gone over all the scenarios. Twice. Dr Chen’s office says hopefully I’ll be sable to get back in for surgery the week of the 24th. I also tried Dr. Russel to see when he could schedule me for a thyroidectomy and they’re scheduling in April. Both hospitals also said with Covid numbers out of control the hospitals could put a hold on all non-essential surgeries. Or they could call next week and fit me in. For now we really kind of have no plan. Just standing here with my feet wet, ready to go where God tells me to go. Tom Petty was right, sometimes the waiting really is the hardest part.