Momma update

My moms health has been a roller coaster. She’s had good moments where it was easy to let myself think she was doing better, but mostly it’s been setbacks. She was having cardiac events, so after a cardiac scope, she got a pacemaker. She had clotting, but then other problems with the anti clotting medicine. She struggled to eat and drink enough each day, so she got an iv and they talked about a feeding tube. They discovered she suffered an ischemic stroke, and the cause. She went from rehab back to the hospital to telemetry, back to rehab, back to the icu. I didn’t even know how to update people, because how do you quantify a day life that. It’s been hard not being able to see her too, just hard to fully understand and not to be able to use my own judgement. 

We had it planned out that one of us would be with her nonstop until mid- March, with Joe and his family filling in the in between times. My turn to fly out was going to be February 28th. 

We had a snow getaway already planned for Presidents’ Day weekend, and with all of the difficult things going on we were all really excited to just come be together. I gave a talk in the Bowie Ward Sunday morning, an easy, spirit led talk about the temple that went really well. The crew came with me and it was fun for them to see another ward and be visitors in our stake. We left from there for Canaan Valley, WV. 

Dan, Chantell, and Zoe met us at our cabin and I made warm soup and salad for dinner, Matt lit a fire in the fireplace and we had a wonderful first night. We also discovered the WiFi was down at our cabins, but 2 days unplugged is not a terrible thing. 

I had decided I wanted to snowshoe this year, but there’s not any snow on the ground. Whomp whomp. Chantell and I plan b’d it and planned a hike instead. We got everyone off to the mountain, dropped off lunch for them, then went to the lodge to send a few emails, then back to the cabin for our lunch. We were chatting after lunch when I got a sibling text asking to call asap and that it wasn’t good. 

We went straight to the lodge and Chantel sat with me as I joined in on an already in progress sibling call. My moms kidneys were failing and she needed emergency dialysis, and we needed to decide that day. But would she want that? everyone shared their thoughts on her medical directive and sara left to the hospital to talk to moms dr and set up a conference call with us, and also to try to talk to my mom. 

Chantel and I walked, (it was a beautiful day) and cried, and prayed as we waited for news. Then another emergency call. We sat by a beautiful stream and listened as Sara shared with us a very personal talk with my mom. 

So now we are switching gears into hospice mode. Matt had been telling me for a few days that he thought I should fly out sooner than the 28th, so that was an easy decision. I waited for the crew to be done snowboarding and talked to him. 

Chantell had made dinner, so we ate and then headed to the pool at the lodge. D&C took the girls and Matt sat with me as we went through every scenario. We figured out which flight would work and Southwest was wonderful when I called. 

Dan and Chantell offered to keep the girls so Matt and I can leave early. Then their fun trip isn’t cut short. Matt will meet up with them tonight in WC after he drops my dad and I off. 

I cried a lot today. I cried with my siblings, then with chantell, then with Matt, then with the girls.

Tom, Amy, Frey, my dad, and I will all fly to Texas this week and Alli will extend her trip. I’m hoping we can bring my mom home so she can spend her last days in her home instead of a hospice center. 

I’m so grateful to be able to see her before she goes. I’m so grateful she is at peace. I’m so grateful she is able to make decisions about her treatment. 

We’ll talk to her Dr today and make more arrangements. I’m grateful for a group of siblings that are open and honest and respect each other. We are all being gentle with each other as we all process and work through our emotions.

I’ve been praying that my mom will feel her mom, dad, and sister around her. I just know they’ve been encircling her bed for weeks, and I want her to feel them close. The veil is already so thin. I’m so grateful or the prayers I feel buoying me up. I am sad, I thought I’d have another 20 years with my mom. But I’m grateful for the time we’ve had together. I’m grateful for both gospel and life perspective. I’m grateful I was able to sleep for a few hours last night and for a fun and distracting day for the girls today with family that loves them. So much to be grateful for, even in the hard times