Smilin’ Jack goes home

This is what I shared on social media. It’s tender, but it’s honest and it’s how I’m feeling. 

We lost my dad this week. He fought hard for a really long time and I'm so grateful he is at peace. My 5 siblings and I surrounded him with love, food, home movies, and all the jokes and laughter before he passed - it was a really good send off.

My dad served in the US military for over 20 years. Through his service in Vietnam he was exposed to Agent Orange, and that lead to the disease that took his life. My dad died a hero "who more than self their country loved."

A hospice nurse came right before my dad passed and gave us 4 things we could tell him to help him be ready to let go. I can't stop thinking about these words and that this is how I try to live my life. They were:

I love you

I forgive you

I forgive me and hope you forgive me 

It will be okay

My youngest brother played a song called Monster on the ukulele during one of our long nights caring for our dad. I love it. The song says:

Oh, before they turn off all the lights 

I won't read you your wrongs or your rights

The time has gone

I'll tell you goodnight, close the door 

Tell you "I love you" once more 

The time has gone, so here it is

I'm not your son, you're not my father 

We're just two grown men saying goodbye

No need to forgive, no need to forget 

I know your mistakes and you know

mine

And while you're sleeping, 

I'll try to make you proud

so daddy won't you just close your eyes?

Don't be afraid, it's my turn 

To chase the monsters away

Oh, well I'll read a story to you 

Only difference is this one is true

The time has gone

I folded your clothes on the chair 

I hope you sleep well, don't be scared 

The time has gone, so here it is

Sleep a lifetime

Yes and breathe a last word

You can feel my hand on your own 

I will be the last one so I’ll leave a light on

Let there be no darkness in your heart 

I miss my dad already, but I know how the story ends. I know I will see him again. I know he's not really gone.

Also for what it's worth, orphanhood - 0/10 recommend.

Death is Nothing At All

❤️

Tom stayed with dad Saturday night and I woke up early so I relieved him and sent him to bed. The sun coming up was beautiful. 

Being in a bed or a chair all the time is uncomfortable so we helped him move back and forth several times a day. One of those times he needed a rest and Amy somehow got stuck holding his head up. He very helpfully helped her hold his head and we all got a good laugh. 

We took advantage of having Darcie and Steve there and got in a beautiful morning walk. This was Sunday, the day our dad passed away, and I was grateful we had started it well with exercise and sunshine. 

We were really glad Darcie and Steve could come spend time with us, and also we kind of wanted some time just the siblings with our dad. So that day sandy took them out shopping and sightseeing and we got to be just us. It was a special day. 

We had heard a rattle in his chest and breathing, and since the hospice nurse had called to check in we went ahead and had him come out.

These pictures are so precious to me because of the things our dad saw and said that day. The veil was so thin and we knew he was almost ready. 

A few hours after this picture Amy and I were sitting on the other bed and Frey and Tom were sitting on the other side of our dad. The hospice nurse gave us a lot of good guidance, but one of the things we disregarded was to limit the people in his room. He said sometimes people will wait to pass until loved ones have left. Anyway, I wanted to be close and/or touching my dad the whole time, but had gotten uncomfortable leaning over and since he was asleep I gave myself permission to sit on the bed. We were all watching a show and I was kind of keeping an eye on my dad. I looked at him and stood up and said he wasn’t breathing. Frey checked his pulse and it was still there, but his chest still hadn’t moved, so Frey got his stethoscope and just like that, he was gone. He actually did wait until we’d given him a little space. It was so quiet and peaceful. It made me think so much of the Death is Nothing At All poem. It was so fast, like nothing. 

We stayed with him until the funeral home came and then we knew no sleep was to be had so we stayed together till around 2. Alli was being a loud sleeper, so I ended up in my dads room for the few hours of sleep I got that night. I could say a thousand things, but I won’t. I’m just really sad that he’s gone. I miss him.   

November 13th-15th

I’m struggling to want to talk or write publicly about my dad’s passing. I’ve written everything in my journal in real time and it was beautiful and peaceful and hard and painful. Anyway, we’ll just start where I left off. 

The home projects continue and it is very satisfying checking things off our list. We tried with so many different people to hire someone to replace our egress window with no luck. I had found one company, but they were so far away that after our initial estimate they added $1000. It would have been $2000 but they gave us a $1000 discount because they gave me a quote and knew our address and then changed it. Anyway, we decided that was crazy, and after talking to them, Matt called around and found a new well and we decided to get started ourselves. We borrowed the Ely’s trailer and Matt picked it up and off we went on another project. 

While Matt was doing that I spent the day sanding and painting for my game closet project. It was actually a really great way to spend the day before I headed back up to NY. I was able to be productive and quiet and it was just right for how I was feeling. 

The girls were able to go to the temple that night and that was also just right. Grateful they all wanted to go and they had the opportunity. 

Before Alli and I left Thursday morning I moved all my shelves downstairs so they could fully dry while I was gone. 

So pretty. So satisfying. 

Alli and I took off late morning and stopped by the Whitney Housten travel center. This isn’t on the route I usually take so I didn’t even know it was there, so that was fun to see. 

We got to the party house and Darcie and Steve had arrived the day before. Darcie is my dad’s little sister. She was adopted from Vietnam when my dad, who was the youngest, was 10 years old. She stole being the baby of the family from him and he never let her forget it. It was nice to have them there. 

Frey was already there too and then Tom arrived that night. And when 5 kids are there you’ve got to get pictures. First we fix the hat - the iconic hat. 

These guys drive me crazy sometimes but I am so grateful for them. 

I’m really really proud of the way we encircled and protected and cared for and loved both of our parents as they spent their final days on this earth. We sent them off in the best way possible and I’m so grateful for that tender mercy. 

Silliness disbanded. 

I knew I wanted lots of pictures so I tried hard to remember to get out my phone. 

So many tender moments.  

Dad’s care changed everyday, sometimes multiple times a day as his lungs filled more and more with fluid. Hospice is beautiful but also wild that they let people with zero medical knowledge care for a dying person that actually often needs a lot of care. Frey actually is a nurse so that was a comfort, but there were lots of times, including overnights, where we were alone with dad and having to make on the fly medical decisions. 

We had several scares and we talked about when to gather everyone for the last goodbyes. We actually gathered several times that first day or two, thinking it might be the end. 

And in true Smilin’ Jack fashion, it wasn’t all tender and beautiful, it was also pretty hilarious a lot of the time. Sometimes when he woke up he was totally with it and he was being so funny! Also family movies, we laughed and laughed. 

There were a few missteps as we figured out medication. We wanted to give him enough that he was never in any pain and not too much so that we accidentally hurt him. 

He was so sleepy but tried his best to stay up and chat and just enjoy being with everyone. 

Alli and I were nervous to stay with him overnight by ourselves, so the first night I stayed half the night with Tom and went to bed at 1:30 when Alli took over with Tom, and then the second night Alli and I slept in the bed in his room. 

I was all like, oh, we’re being adorable, ok!

I wrote in my journal every day in real time and asked everyone to share what he was saying and their experiences. He was seeing spirits but not recognizing them and he kept talking about catching a train. There were several other things that helped us know that the veil was so thin and he was really close, but not quite ready yet.