End of year thoughts

(mommy and frankie. 4am. please excuse my hair and chins. oh, and i would like to eat frankies cheeks with a large spoon)

This is a post with kinda random, but all interrelated themes.

With some random pics thrown in because no one likes a post with without pictures.

Some people don't even read it if there are no pictures.

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I love me a new year and all the expectations and goals and tabula rasa-ness of it all.

I know some people don't like New Years Resolutions.

But I love 'em.

I'm so gonna be all skinny and smart and spend tons of time with my super smart kids giving service and having fun together and living in a super clean house with all my resolutions.

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It's been a rough year. I'm not even gonna go there and say things like

"Hope next year is more calm"

or

"Here's to a better year!"

Cause I'm just not.

I've done that before and that calm year hasn't come yet.

(does it ever really come? starting to think not)

This year our family has struggled and hurt and grown.

I feel like we're in the refiners fire (aren't we all!) and I just hope we all make it out in one piece and together.

*****

(please excuse the super glazed it's-4am-and-i-am-exhausted-but-love-this-baby-and-the-snuggling-because-she-never-snuggles-like-this-with-me-because-she's-so-big-and-always-wants-to-eat-instead look on my face)

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For months my little heart was heavy with worry. I wasn't even able to read my favorite "IlovemylifeIamsohappyIenjoyeverything" blog for a few months because I just didn't feel like enjoying the small things. And I didn't want to read about super happy, optimistic people while I was hurting.

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But I am kind of loving being in my thirties, because I am gaining this new self-awareness that's kind of mind-blowing. I still worry and some days just really suck. Totally don't have it all figured out, but I am learning about myself and those around me.

Like "Ooooooh, now I get why she did that! Now it makes sense!"

I am becoming.

And I like becoming.

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Becoming helps ease my worried heart. It helps feel less hopeless. It numbs my senses that are offended when the fruit of the womb act like teenagers. Like when they don't say "I love you" ever, even though it's been said to them at least twice a day for like, ever. I used to shut the door after shuffling them off to school and crumple in a heap and cry. But I am becoming, and I know, this too shall pass. And I'm okay. I can even read all my imaginary friends blogs again.

*****

So, here's to a learning, growing, loving, strengthening the family, spending more time with friends, serving more, happier, becoming a better person new year.

*****

With lots more pictures of feet.

(because addie was like "mommy, take a picture of my foot." so i was all "okay." and here it is.)