Missing

Yikes stripes, how has it been over a month since I've posted anything. I miss writing and creating here. I live life differently when I don't blog. Not to be overly dramatic, but I've never been good at subtle. I take less pictures and all of the witty captions I think of become lost in the abyss that are all the thoughts seeping from my brain that get forgotten because I don't act on them immediately. I haven't regularly blogged in months and there's been a whole lot of living going on. I wish I could say this is it and I'm in it, but how about a 'I'll make an effort.' That's about where I'm at right now. 

Anyhow, I don't know if it's because I'm knocking on 40's door, but this feels like a time of awakening and insight and knowledge. I'm still majorly crushing on Brene Brown and my latest lady love, Jen Hatmaker. I used all my Hoopla checkouts last month borrowing every book Jen has ever written, and listened to them all. so good and life changing. I'm stupid excited about this beauty that's been waiting for me for a few days. 

#breneislife

As I was cleaning yesterday I was thinking of all of the big things that have happened during my blog hiatus (and binge, hiatus, binge, and repeat). So just a few:

Coolest: organizing an amazing fireside and making awesome new friends. An added bonus, overcoming fear of hosting (getting old and developing new fears and anxieties is awesome) and opening our home again. 

Hardest: accepting my precious baby has a learning disability. Just writing that gets me teary. a few months ago I was asked by a momma further along in this  crazy journey to write my experiences. I know I need to write about it because I want to process all the feels, but it's been hard and scary and frustrating and when i finally fully accepted, I cried for 2 days. 

Most hopeful: holding hands with the above difficult scenario is a lot of hope. This ain't our first rodeo and I know with anything hard in life there can also be so much beauty on the other side. I know hard work is so often the catalyst for beautiful change and growth, and it's already happening. When perspectives are tweaked, even just the tiniest bit, how quickly devastation turns to hope and darkness to light. We're making it happen. 

Most hurtful: being 'unfriended' by someone I really thought I could/should be good friends with. I'm still nursing this wound, but in the process of acknowledging and letting go, and allowing myself to do both. Oh all the feels of, what's wrong with me, how do I have any friends, maybe I should just stop talking, inviting, trying. all the inner monsters that rear their ugly heads when rejection comes. It's gross and not true and not how I want to live. I fully choose to live whole heartedly and that, suckily, sometimes comes along with rejection and hurt and 'unfriending.' And that's ok. I guess I have so many thoughts on this, but my mantra is similar to Laney's when she's caught in the wind (shocking since I taught it to her) "Michelle, you are safe, you're ok." And I am. 

Ok. Like most of my sporadic posts of late, this is disjointed and fragmented and maybe doesn't make a lot of sense? I've got lots of feels and lots to write, so imma need BlogTouchPro to get its head in the game so we can get this done together, mmmmk? 

This is life:

Mostly clean, but still dirty clothes in the corner. Weird kids and moving parts. Books and loveys and family time and awesomeness. Slightly disjointed. But still exciting and happy and wonderful. This is us.