Weekly roundup

On Monday Johnna wasn’t feeling well, so we didn’t have piano. Alli came that evening and papa bought pizza for dinner. 

On Tuesday Alli and papa set out on their long planned trip to Ireland. With everything that happened, they talked about cancelling, but what better time to go on an adventure than right now. I wish I was going to!

D stayed home from school that day. She’d been complaining of a sore throat, and I was pretty sure it qas just the changing weather and allergies, but after a few days I decided to take her to the dr to check. 

My neighbor Heather dropped these beautiful daffodils to be off with a sweet card. Her dad died of Covid last year and I dropped off some flowers. She wrote about a familiar grief in her card, and now that’s something we’ll share. 

Chelsea put together our stake RS history and shared one of the pictures she’d submitted. This was from back in the summer when we met with the newly formed Spanish branch RS presidency. They are the sweetest ladies!

On Wednesday these beauties showed up. I have sweet friends that brightened my life with flowers even before my mom passed. 

That night Adi and I went on a date to Oga’s and then to her rising freshman open house. I sent this to Alexis and Christian and they couldn’t even believe it. It’s so wild to be here with Adi!

We listened to the principals speak and then we got to go learn about some of the programs they offer. First we went to the Global International Studies and then the Fine Arts program. They both look amazing, on top of the tech center, which is also awesome.  

We’re watching Tenkor again. She’s a lot of work!

On friday Adi forgot her laptop, so I picked up donuts on my way home after I dropped it off. Delaney telling me stories. 

One of the girls had this picture in their room, and I have no idea where it came from. I’m not sure if it’s from before or after we got married, or where we were. Just a bunch of babies. 

Debby sent me this and it reminded me of a quote from WandaVision I had written down. Before Vision died, or left, or whatever happened to him, he said “What is grief if not love persevering.” It helps with perspective  
Delaney goes to Girls Who Code each week, and they got these cute shirts. 

Make all the waves, precious girl. 

I pulled a few flowers from my larger bouquet to put in our room. It’s so happy and bright, I love it. I’ve been organizing and cleaning and I made a million appointments. 

I let the girls each make a flower arrangement for their rooms too. 

It was fun to see what they each chose. 

During the photo scavenger hunt Adi won a gift card to a wine bar called Antoinette’s Garden. They also have a tiny menu, and Adi suggested we use this free Saturday to go there for lunch. I really didn’t want to get dressed and go out because a) grief, and b) snow flurries. But I did and it was such a fun afternoon. 

The girls ordered a bread board and breakfast board to share. 

D got a delicious plate of waffles. 

And Matt and I shared a lunch charcuterie bird. 

Everything was delicious and it was fun to sit in their cozy restaurant and watch the snow falling outside. 

Then we went to a thrift store to look for costumes for decades week for Frankie, then the library. It’s cold cold and a nice dusting of snow on the ground. 

Back

Grief causes brain fog. That sucks, because I already have a terrible memory. This particular snafu actually wasn’t my fault though. On Monday I found my sisters in the backyard chatting and adding water to the pool. I told them I didn’t think we needed to do that and they both assured me that it was too low. We went inside and Alli said she’d set an alarm to turn it off. Fast forward to Tuesday morning and I’m washing my hands in the kitchen and just happen to glance at the pool, only to realize the water never got turned off and was overflowing. I startle shouted “oh no! The pool!” and ran as fast as I could to turn it off. We laughed and laughed at how silly my sisters are and how they should have listened to me. 

Alexis and Carter went home Tuesday morning. Lexi got more nanny hugs that anyone and my mom loved seeing Carter, and I am so glad they came. Carter and Emmett are best friends and were so exited to see each other. 

These two! 😍

Adi has been biscuit making and sent me lots of pictures. Also emails from school. It was fun to be able to email back and forth with her. She is growing up and is funny and kind and ridiculous in all the right ways. 

On Wednesday morning our dad flew home. Amy and I took him to the airport early, and then went to the house to comb through things. By 11:00 we’d already been up and working for hours and were ready for a break, so we treated ourselves to pedicures. There were only 2 employees so we got to sit in the massage chairs for an extra long time which was perfect. Then we ate delicious Mexican food. Food makes sadness feel lighter. 

I see bits of my mom everywhere. We had been talking Wordle and comparing scores. Amy finished first Thursday morning and asked if anyone else had done it. One by one we completed it with a sad “oh.” That’s fitting. 

Things that I loved before are having a heightened meaning for me. 

More Adi from back home. 💕

We walked back home after pedi’s and lunch and worked for as long as we could. For years my mom had been cleaning out and getting rid of things, so it was all very organized, there was just still a lot of stuff. We each pulled aside anything we wanted and there were no disagreements. We left some furniture and totes of things we’d like to keep, and we’ll fly down and rent a truck to bring them here at some point in the next few weeks. 

That night we went to Joe’s for a bbq. We played Mario Kart with Joseph and Brady and sat on their pretty patio telling stories. It was a lovely evening, and then when we got back to our hotel 20 minutes away I realized I’d forgotten my purse. I pretty much take my purse everywhere and can’t remember a time I’ve ever forgotten it, but you know, grief. 

Also grief induces sleep problems. Also, these 3 old ladies remained in east coast time, so every morning we were up by 5. On Friday morning we went for a long walk around this cute park. 

We got breakfast with Frey and taylor at the most delicious hole in the wall where I got a breakfast burrito, water bottle, donut, and bag of pastries to take home all for $9. I’d for sure be a frequent flyer if I still lived there. 

We went back to the house for one last sweep and added a few more things to our pile to bring home. It was hard to be in, and hard to leave her house. 

We had a few hours to kill, so we drove downtown and walked. It was beautiful 70° weather the whole time, and I haven’t been downtown El Paso in ages. We walked to the border bridge and reminisced about taking the trolley across the border for lunch and shopping. 

Then it was off to the airport. We grabbed lunch while we waited. Amy’s flight left 20 minutes before ours, so one last goodbye and then we were on our way to Dallas. 

Southwest was so good to me. I already had a flight booked to visit my mom for a week, and they switched both of my tickets, last minute, for no extra charge. I’ve always been a fan of SW, but now I’m a super fan. Alli and I split some appetizers in Dallas, and arrived home to Reagan around 10:30. We took a cab to pick up Alli’s car and arrived home just after 1am. Tired and wired, but good to be home. 

In other news, this little cutie has his mommy’s eyes and will be receiving his brand new baby goggles any day now. 

They chose these ones in white and I think he’ll be the cutest nerd ever. 

These last few years have been something else. 

Bubba was going through pictures from his wedding, and sent this one to Lu and I. She said “and where am I?!”

So he photoshopped her in and we all laughed. Why is photoshop so funny?

Frankie and Adi had a temple trip Saturday, so I woke up to see them off at 6 (Matt had a mandatory drill weekend - worst timing) and then went back to bed. I came down later that morning to a dream come true - my very own Edible Arrangement! I’ve always wanted one, and Amy always tells me they’re not that good, so to prove it she sent me one. I am loving it so far. 

I was majorly bummed to miss Frankie’s first time in the temple, especially since Matt couldn’t go either. I’m grateful for good friends that I knew would take care of our girls. 

They loved their day in the temple. Frankie is ready to do some temple hopping and is so excited to volunteer in the DC temple open house soon. 

These two are growing up! Such cute little friends. 

When we were in El Paso the sibs had been talking about our moms spirit animal and after a few suggestions, we settled on cat, because obviously. Since then I’ve never seen more random cats. Cats while we walked in the mornings, cats in the background as we watched tv, cats popping up on our neighborhood Fb page, everywhere cats. Little messages from momma. 

Even cat ads. I have never googled anything about cats, so this feels very random, except not random at all. 

Speaking of momma, that is some kind of hair do. She also has a picture similar to this, but with a bow stuck in the side of her hair. I love it so much!

One of my favorites. 

I went to our ward for the first time in a really long time. With my surgery and visiting other wards, it’s been over a month. I got lots of hugs and it was good to be with our ward family. I had a temple open house meeting and then quick womens conference meeting, and ready or not, life starts back up again tomorrow. 

Brenda shared this a few days before my mom passed, and we all had a good cry. It’s becoming more real and the sadness is settling. 

And finally, this. 

"The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her."

— Author Unknown

The first 24

My beautiful mom passed away on the afternoon of March 1. We were all able to be there with her as she took her last breath. There is something really beautiful about being with someone that held you as you took your first breath for their last. It’s so tender and I don’t have the words for it. Surreal is a good place to start. 

The night my mom died I lay nestled between my sisters on a king size bed, safe and protected, and prayed for sleep. 

I kind of thought before she passed would be the hard part, but it turns out that her dying just broke a dam that released a flood of every emotion ever for everyone. One hard thing is that we are all in different stages of grief, kind of ping ponging around each other. 

We had spent a lot of time sitting and watching and waiting with her, and then that part was over. But then there was more waiting. Waiting for them to come pick her up, waiting for them to pick up the bed and other hospice equipment, waiting for her to be cremated and for her death certificate. So much waiting. 

The days following her death we went through every bookcase, cabinet, closet, drawer, and box in her home that she’d lived in for 33 years. Some of that we did while she was alive, and that made it easier. It was very emotional to find writings and gifts and parts of her I didn’t know. I couldn’t work on that for long, I’d start to feel cagey and antsy and needed lots of breaks. I’m so grateful we did so much of that together because it was really difficult and I can’t imagine doing it alone. 

I have been feeling like there are these two distinct perspectives I’m working through. One part is seeing this beautiful, tender, sacred time where we got to be with my mom as she progressed on in her mortal experience, and it is breathtakingly beautiful in an eternal perspective. The other part is the mortal one that saw my moms pain, fear, and frustration, that says I want my mommy here. I want to be able to call her and tell her every adorable or silly or awful thing my children do, those things that only a grandparent can truly appreciate. It’s the little child in me that is horrified that I’ll never get her again in mortality. 

So many people have ministered to us. They’ve brought meals, lent help and supplies, reached out, and sent messages. All of this buoyed us up so much, and I am so grateful. During the most difficult moments I have called down those blessings, and I felt them. 

There were 2 messages sent to me that especially resonated. 

“Oh Michelle, that is so intense. The Savior blesses those that mourn. A bunch of the beatitudes are conditional on behavior or whatever way He is asking us to be. But He says blessed are those that mourn. I think losing people we love has got to be one of the most emotionally intense mortal experiences.  Because of that He blesses all those that mourn, unconditionally. Nothing to do on your part but just to LET Him bless you, comfort you, heal you. All my love and thoughts to your whole family. Praying you can just get through these first hard periods of time. Hugs.”

And

“It's okay to be really sad and really hurting.  You really loved.  President Nelson and Hinckley speak of how their grief was immobilizing after the loss of their wives.  I think the same can be true after the loss of a parent or any loved one.

I'm so glad you were able to be together and have this sacred time with your family.  Give yourself lots and lots of time and grace as you navigate this experience.  Coming home will be wonderful and challenging.  

Love, prayers and safe travels.”

I am so ready to be home, and also sad to leave El Paso. My mom was alive when I arrived, and now she’s not. It means leaving the 5 other people in the world that lost their mom with me. It’s leaving her home without an owner. 

It’s the beginning a new season of grief. I’m not sure how it looks or how I’ll feel, or how I’m supposed to feel. I do know I’m grateful every day for the healing power of the atonement. For now, I will just know that and take each hour as it comes. 

On waiting for someone to die

I’ve been trying to find words for today, and found this online. It’s very on point. 

“You know what’s weird about waiting for someone to die?  You’re waiting for someone to die.  Just like you’re waiting for a cake to bake, or clothes to dry or the cable guy to show up.  You sit.  You watch the clock.  And wait.  Everything needs to be put on hold because you don’t know if it will happen today or tomorrow or next week or the week after that.  Some days you don’t feel like it’s going to happen at all.  Life gets put on hold because someone else’s life is being extinguished.  It’s a selfless act that tested me in more ways than I was comfortable with.”

14 days, a memoir 

Today was a hard day. My mom slept all day, no talking or moving. There are lots of emotions and feelings and it’s just a lot. This boy brings so much joy to this tough time. Give him all the Doritos!

Amy and I helped give our mom what will most likely be her last bath. She didn’t seem to like it and was shivering during and after, so we probably won’t have the nurse come do another one anytime soon. 

Tom went home today. We’ll lose a person a day starting yesterday. That also makes the waiting hard because there are less people to wait with and love with. 

#2,3, and 6. 

Victoria, taylor, and Joe came over. A few of us walked to Target for a few things. It feels so nice to be outside, but also like I just need to be with her all the time. 

We talked about all.the.feelings. And we continue to wait.